Out of time
The first time me and Daniele said goodbye to each other, we were in the car, one night in December.
He was about to leave for a semester abroad, I wanted to know if it would be worth to wait for him.
He left and he didn’t say goodbye.
I waited for him.
The second time me and Daniele said goodbye to each other we were at the harbor, a summer night.
He didn’t want bonds.
I didn’t want middle ways.
The third time me and Daniele will say goodbye to each other is today.
But he doesn’t know it yet.
He never looks at me after sex. He lies flat, with his eyes closed. He just touches me with his hands, slowly. I am the one who stares at him, even if I know he can’t stand it. It’s an hedgehog, an armor of spines practically impenetrable.
“You never told what that out of time means”. I smile: I’ve never told anyone, what that tattoo means.
I could tell him. I could tell him that he’s the one I carved into myself, him and the awareness he’s always the wrong person at the wrong moment. I could explain to him all the years of compromises and ultimatum to myself, but what would be the point?
I can’t look at him.
I need to get out of here.
I get up and I dress. “I’m leaving tomorrow. I’m moving to Belgium. I think this is the last time you see me.”.
Daniele is sitting on the bed, he looks at me as he sees me for the first time and I feel like he would do anything to be elsewhere.
This is what I need, but I would like him to say something, I desperately would!
He was breathless.
“I know where the door is. Don’t bother”.
Not a “bye”. Not a “good luck”. Not a “goodbye”.
I’ve always knew it, I am not a “happy ending” type.
I close hard the door behind my back. On the other side I hear a sound of broken glasses.
If I stop know, I won’t go on.
I put my leather jacket on, I pick up the pace.
I am in the middle of the rush hour’s mob, but I don’t hear anyone.
I have my bags and my boxes left at home.
This is the end.
The first time me and Silvia said goodbye to each other was December, and I couldn’task her to wait for me.
The second time me and Silvia said goodbye to each other was August and I couldn’t ask her to forgive me.
The last time me and Silvia said goodbye to each other was today and I couldn’t ask her to stay.