Eine Neue Liebe

It was 27th September 2005. It was very cold, but it was the mist -rare in that period- that impressed me the most. Cologne is always like that, except for that short period called "Sommer".  Maybe it was because it was seven in the morning, but the mist was so thick that it penetrated deep into my cerebellum, totally clouding my every slightest thought.

The flight was scheduled for 10 o’clock, but the usual anxiety that preceded every trip had woken me up at 5 o’clock.

I was supposed to meet my partner who lives in Lausanne, to celebrate our 10th anniversary together. Things seemed jaded after all those years. It’s not that you don’t feel the love anymore, or you don’t feel desire for that person, that body, those expressions that you know by heart. It all just seems less intense. So I remained seated on the bench at the station for I don’t know how many hours, almost hypnotized by my reflections.

My thoughts were travelling faster than a train carriage, among the countless people who passed by around me, but that I almost didn’t notice, if it weren’t for the people getting off the trains, shuffling about, getting confused. However, the faces of those people showed their feelings clearly. I would have divided them into those who were happy, fearful or depressed.

In general, I didn’t care much about those persons, but I asked myself, every time I saw a couple meet again, how long, more or less, they had been together. Were those embraces sincere, as during the first years of my relationship with Raul, or were they just the result of the circumstances?

This tangle of feelings made me lose the flight, but ten years are so long, and I wanted to stay there sitting, replaying those years in my mind, trying to understand if it was really worth it or if it was just an old habit. I caught the last shuttle home to the city centre at 2 o’clock at night, between my imagined hypothetical situations and memories, my perturbation and my lack of a concrete answer about my relationship.

The next day, at 9 in the morning, the intercom rang impatiently. Raul had come looking for me, worried, more in love than ever. In that moment my doubts evaporated, making room for the strong feelings which had accompanied us during all those years together. 

To our children, Cristina and Matias.

 

Agata

27th September 2015