Anonymity

I am a pretty girl, I think you would turn and look at me if I’d walk next to you. I also think you would like to have a chat with me: you would offer me a coffee.

My only desire was to save me. I followed so many path to reach my purpose: the full commitment to my work and my family, the immersion into nature and art, and then,  love. There wasn’t a right time for the pursuit of love, in everything I did, I looked for a special affinity. Sometimes I felt a flicker, a spark which brought me up like anything else could do. Then, the lie arrived, relentless.

At first, I didn’t notice: if they were little and innocent lies, I felt like the world would turn out okay, and even I used them from time to time and I forgave and justify myself.

When they were bigger, I used to get angry, yelling against injustice and treason,  and I have to admit that this black and white made me calm. The problem was that, as the years and the new people went by, my lies turned bigger. I couldn’t manage them, I couldn’t intercept them before I got hurt and I got paralyzed when I discovered one. I erased everything that caused me disappointment: I gave up dating  men.. and I can assure you it wasn’t easy! I spent some time alone, focusing on myself, but soonI received some little disappointments from my friends. Then I tried to reduce my relationships just focusing on my family, but nobody, nobody is an exception! I looked for a shelter, a place where I could stay with myself and cultivate the illusion of life.

Here we take care of the fields and the kitchen, we read, we surf the Internet, we do everything we want. My favorite activity is to take pictures of the building: I try to contain in a photograph everything it means to us. The program also provides for regular exercises, not too frequent. The first time I saw him, I couldn’t event touch on him. He didn’t do anything, he remained sit on the bed, firm, in silence. He’s paid to satisfy us, but only if we want to. Some of us refuse the meeting for a long time, somedidn’t meet him at all and some others book him when it’s possible. From the first meeting, still and mute, to the second one, a month went by; it wasn’t easy to think of sharing a man with the others, but there’s no jealousy just for the body and I didn’t want anything else from him. At first, I thought I couldn’t stand it, I didn’t choose it and I would never do it If I met him outside from here, but he had a quality: he was just a body who honestly worked. I enjoyed it… the hell I did!

I have been taking a photo and writing this letter for five years, at the end of every meeting; I send it to the addresses I remember of the city, hoping that someone read it and come here to tell me he can’t tell lies.

I will believe him, I will believe you.

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