Ad terram redeo

The shades of this carpet with leave patterns on which I lie give me an ephemeral feeling of wellbeing that is sufficient to distract me from the piercing pain that rips my lower abdomen. I observe how the red veins wind on the yellow surface from the soft and defined edges, sparkling because of the drops of dew that lie like beads; the only thing that disfigures those few centimeters of perfection is a small hole in the middle. It makes me smile to think of how this leaf and I are alike: two dying bodieslying on the ground with a hole in their stomach, made to suffer the same fate because of the irreversible will of our respective fathers.

It is here that I took my first steps:supported by friendly hands I threw myself into the discovery of the surprises of that world, as yet completely unknown, set aside for me and my boundless childish curiosity. In winter, when everything was covered with an immaculate white veil, my friends and I would play building trenches behind which we fought ruthless wars with snowballs. When spring came around, it then became a garden full of colourful fragrant flowers that had just bloomed. In summer it was our favourite spot every afternoon; my friends and I would stay there to eat bread with butter and jam in the shade of the green sycamore; in autumn on the other hand, we gathered nuts and cracked them open with a big stone, devouring them hungrily like little savages.     

The view is slowly becoming hazy, while the last rays of sunlight caress my face like a loving father, the same father than I have never had and wanted so badly. It is not my imminent death which scares me as much as knowing that I will return to nothing without knowing what it feels like to be loved.  

After the shooting he hugged me and asked forgiveness; crying even, he kissed my forehead. I watched him, immovable, confused, without even trying to react appropriately. I was exhausted and he continued to stare at me with a lost and scared look. For a moment, I almost pitied. After all, it would not be the first time, but luckily my already worn-out strength prevented me from doing such a stupid thing. How can you feel pity for your own tormentor? I honestly don’t know, even thought I forgave him countless times for the atrocities he committed against me.    

Until today I had never rebeled, and it was precisely this unexpected reaction that made him snap: he must have felt his position as father, as owner, falter, so he tried to re-establish the customary roles. He was right in that way, he only did it to re-introduce order into the situation. At the end of the day, it is intolerable to see oneself denied of something one’s always had available for one’s enjoyment. Was he perhaps mistaken? No, I don’t think so, because everyone knew and nobody moved a muscle to save me from the dominion of such a beast, so it would be hypocrisy to say otherwise now.  

Here we are. Like poison ivy, the cold climbed up my arms and legs, but I still feel a pleasant warmth flooding my stomach: I can’t see what’s happening near my belly-button, but I know for sure that soon I will return to the earth.